I am having difficulty writing this blog.. There are just things that you cannot put into words.. Even my own mind is still trying to comprehend the emotion that is taking place. I believe I am going through a heartbreak. I have had one before so I know what the feeling is.
My heart breaks for these girls, it breaks because I can't do anything. It breaks because I can't be the family they want, I can't be what they need. I dislike the feeling of not being able to fix what they need fixed. Today was a rough day emotionally, one I wasn't feeling the greatest physically and so I think that kind of tied into everything as well. But the word attatchment has been thrown around. that was one thing I didn't really expect to creep up on me. There are a few older girls, a few toddlers and a few babies that I have come to love. But I was also told the phrase today "Do not become attached" WHAT THE HECK? I felt like a bulldozzer hit my heart. How is that possible? where do you draw the line? I hold hands with these kids, kiss them, hug them and try to pour love unto them. When they are sick I hold them and rock them to sleep. Some I have even put to bed more then once. How do you do all the above and not become attached? What kind of heart would I have if I didn't become attached?.. I know at the end of all this I will have to say good-bye, they will not have me forever.. I know that, I have come to grips with that. but I do know they will always have a place in my heart. I willlove them like I do my neices and nephews and pray for them to have a family whether it be on ther own here in Haiti or in the states. These kids deserve better. This is all in God's control.. he knows exactly what is going to happen to every single child that goes thru this orphanage and all the other orphanages and foster care's around the world. It is a mighty blessing to be here and I am still so thankful that I am. I have heard a lot of people say that God has some big plans for you.. I have to say this is pretty big just with being here. I don't think I would handle anything bigger! This is a growing experience that has been on my heart.. and it's only been a week.. after 5 I can't imagine! Just trying to take one day at a time and trying to love every minute of it!
On a funny note: I THANK GOD FOR WHOEVER INVENTED THE THROWAWAY DIAPER... They run on cloths diaper here.. put it on pin it, take it off throw it in a pile.. lets just say there are a whole of diapers going on here. I am okay if I never have to put a cloth one on again!
""The Lord God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" Zephaniah 3:17
In Christ
I didn't know what to say to you Teresa. Just like you I want to "fix" it for you and the kids. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to say anything at first but I did want to share something. I know it isn't exactly the same as having your own child(ren) but you are experiencing a love for these kids that is very similar. To that I say there is no way you, or I for that matter, could do what you are doing without becoming attached. It just wouldn't happen. You will always carry a part of these kids in your heart. But with that, is the same thing I have to do everyday with Grace and did with Marcos. Ultimately they are not mine. They are His. I have been given a short time here on earth to have them in my care and to guide and direct. Yes there is a great joy and honor in that but there is also pain. You are doing the same, just in a different way and what may be an even shorter amount of time (I say "may" because who knows what the future holds but Him). Give them the love you have, directing them to the One who can give them an even more full, complete, and pure love-that will continue when you physically leave. Pray for them and their families. Pray that whoever is to adopt them obeys and does so. Pray that you are able to remember that they are His children and His love is even more grand than yours. Ask God to give you the strength to use whatever gifts you have to His glory submitting everything ultimately to Him. It isn't easy. Something that I often have to go back to. Something I had to do with Marcos. They are His kids put here to bring glory and honor to Him. It isn't easy, and at times painful, but God has also given us great times of joy and memories to hold onto. I hope that helps even a little. Love and kisses! Joanne
ReplyDeleteTeresa, I have felt that heartbreak each and every time I went to Haiti. I agree with you in saying that it is impossible to do what you do and not become attached. For me, it is impossible to even talk about Haiti, look at pictures or anything without instantly thinking of the people there that are my Haitian family. I would say, get attached and use that to remember them and pray for them each and every day when you are away from them. Thats what I do. Its hard, I understand and will be praying for you in that part. Stay strong and love every minute you are able to spend with them and spend in that beautiful country.
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